In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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