Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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