I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
