We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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