i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
