hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
