I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
