i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
