I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
