Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
