Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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