I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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