i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
