Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
