He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
