Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
