I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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