Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
