I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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