Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
