I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So many bounce houses so little time
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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