Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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