Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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