oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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