I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
