my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
