We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
