The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
