I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
