No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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