Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
