I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
