Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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