How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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