I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
