I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
operation harelip BJ is a go
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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