I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
