I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
