You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you win again, gameday.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Randomize
