Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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