sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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