We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
