i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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