So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
