Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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