I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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