Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
