Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
