Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You took a bar mat shot.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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