Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
