What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
