if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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